|Here are the first pages of The Human's "Escape."|
A History Of Rudeness (Part 1)A History Of Rudeness (Part 1) by jackgunski
4.5 billion years ago: As Earth’s mantle begins the cooling process, lava erupts from a very inappropriate place, marking the first instance of rudeness in Earth’s history.
4 billion years ago: Strands of RNA through random sequencing form the world’s first rude word. The word is over 10,000 letters long and can still be found in many shellfish. The shellfish have refused to apologize.
3 billion years ago: Simple Prokaryotes begin the process of eating other creature’s food, though in their defense it was not properly labelled.
1.2 billion years ago: Sexual reproduction is found in single celled organisms.
The next day: billions of single cells wake up to discover the other cell ditched in the middle of the night.
560 million years ago: The first fungi appear, leading many to question the hygiene habits of others.
360 million years ago: Crabs are first identified eating food with their claws and not using the proper utensils. Ferns disapprove but don’t say
11 by jackgunski
It is now day 307 of my isolation. I am still on my medication. I have told Doctor Bingham that my left ear and my right ear have inexplicably switched places and inverted to appear as usual, but he still has not responded. I suspect that he doesn’t believe me, but then again I don’t think he has ever believed a word that has come out of my mouth. I don’t know why I suspect this, but as this feeling has long persisted, I have decided to record it for the first time today.
Doctor Arnold came into work drunk today, again. I realized this when I saw his gait was irregular. He is not the functional alcoholic his personality indicates he thinks he is. In the past I have managed to get Doctor Arnold to speak to me, but the few instances I have managed to do so, he has not offered me any pertinent information as to my situation. While conducting my daily physical, I managed to get him to talk about his wife. Doctor Arnold misses his wife. In my ongoing attempt to construct a
AdolfAdolf by jackgunski
“This is why Donald Trump sounds and acts like Hitler”
“Did Hillary Clinton and Adolf Hitler express similar views on Socialism?”
“Now Bernie Sanders Is Hitler: Conservatives Claim Fight Against Inequality Leads To ‘Concentration Camps’”
“Ben Carson: I would let Hitler live”
“13 similarities between Obama and Hitler”
“Mitt Romney’s Mormon heritage linked to Adolf Hitler”
“Top Kansas Democrat likens Paul Ryan to Hitler”
“Stewart Rhodes Defends 'Hang McCain' Comment, Says Senator Is Like Adolf Hitler”
“Could Kerry be the ‘Hitler of the Unborn’?”
“Compare George Bush’s words with Adolf Hitler”
“Leading Climate Skeptic compares Gore to Hitler”
“Clinton uses Hitler-like tactics”
…and I can’t find anything on Bob Dole.
I guess Bob Dole isn’t like Hitler.
Shame he wasn’t elected.
MustardMustard by jackgunski
Weenie roast in New York City.
Kosher hot dog rampaged throughout the downtown area.
Imagine that, fifteen story frankfurter,
people panicking and running out of the way.
Who will save our beloved city?
Suddenly, from beneath the ocean,
a faint rumbling.
A wave of water destroys the harbor,
as a thirty foot wide pair of sunglasses
floats to the surface.
A hand, an irreconcilably massive hand
reaches up and grabs the shades,
and drifts to the surface.
A bystander looks on in awe,
Yes, the lead singer of the massively popular band WE3
emerged from the water,
taller than most skyscrapers,
stepping on cars like they were somewhat large rodents.
Dozens of bystanders dove out of the way of his massive feet.
“We must flee! Malo is here!”
And Malo only laughed
at the sight of so many tiny people running away in a panic.
Finally Malo came face to face with the great beast.
He let out a politically charged roar
as he lept at it with great ferocity,